"Peoplefesto" - Tom Groves
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Housing and Property
1. All profits from tuition fees will be directed towards reducing accommodation fees.
2. I will ask the university administration to stop selling out quite so obviously, and provide at least one reasonably priced hall. Cancelling the demolition of Albany would be a start. Don’t tell me it’s too late when I can still see Albany.
3. A new page will be added to the union website, where students in privateaccommodation can report faults, like a broken toilet or dodgy plumbing. If the landlord does not take reasonable actions to fix the problems, the union will enforce some laws.
4. We will kickstart the United Kingdom’s bidet revolution by installing an adequate number of bidets at all toilet facilities.
5. Rector’s Cafe will be replaced with a milkshake bar.
6. Grit bins. All these paths need gritted.
7. We will build a visually pleasing footbridge over the roundabout at the end of Market Street. This will ease pedestrian traffic, and curb journey times. The bridge will be made from hardened compost and excess sand.
8. The exterior of the Physics and Mathematics buildings will be painted dark purple and olive green, respectively.
9. Eve Brown and Bradburne & Co will be closely monitored for disrespectful procedures.
10. I will spend a few days going around making sure that every privately owned property has a food waste bin.
11. I will make a new cryptocurrency based on the local housing market.
12. Baby wipes will be introduced as an alternative to toilet roll.
13. A zip-line will be installed between Agnes Blackadder Hall diner 4.8 and the Physics building.
14.The observatory will be repainted, and we’ll hang a few little ornaments up to make it feel more homely.
15.St Andrews train station.
16. I will personally cancel all creepy old men at the Vic.
17. A collab between Nightline and the Parkour Club, involving freerunners looking after very drunk students.
18. Swings will be installed at a minimum of nina locations across university grounds.
19. Those alpacas that sometimes visit will be given a larger enclosure, more food/water, and some aesthetic vegetation. They will also be introduced to a group of penguins, to help reduce their stress.
20. A new rainbow gown will be introduced.
21. I will ask Populus to run Pier Walk support events. I know a number of people who were initially scared of the height, and so completed their first pier “walk” by crawling along the length of the pier; this really knocked their confidence. Whilst I see myself as quite anti-traditional, I do appreciate weird things that make a place unique, like walking along a pier in some random ass gown, and so I would like these pier-crawlers to receive support and fully develop their abilities.
22. Research will be performed to improve vegetarian haggis.
23. The university shop’s meagre 10% discount for students will be changed to 30%. A further discount will be available to students from low-income households, such that no more than £1 of profit will be made per item, with this profit going to a charity of the buyer’s choice.
24. A new student discount of 30% will apply to all gowns sold by the union, again with a further discount for students from low-income households, such that no more than £1 of profit will be made per gown, but this time the £1 goes towards harmonica man and flute guy/his border collie.
25. A few out of date tubs of Ben & Jerry’s will be deployed to deter the Uni Hall ice cream thief.
26. A group of volunteers will be gathered to monitor inappropriate behaviour during May Dip. I’ve seen things. Very bad things.
27. I will make sure Zest employs my flatmate Amy. She’s become really unhappy at her current job, so the change of working environment would really improve her overall outlook on life. If you’ve ever met positive Amy, you’ll understand how important this is to the everyday functioning of the town: no one else contributes even half as much to St Andrews’ sense of community, unique atmosphere, or underground fatberg.
28. Packs of potato scones will increase in size from 6 to 16.
29. Nicole has to be nice to me.
30. I will change the word “manifesto” to “peoplefesto”.
31. I will get some of those benches from secondary school gyms, cut off the pointless pointy bits at each end, and put them in the library with some nice tables. Nostalgia and comfort, whilst solving the problem of insufficient library seats.
32. Chocolate eggs will be on sale throughout the year.
33. Terry’s chocolate oranges will always be £1.
34. Toblerones will go back to the good old days.
35. Jaffa cakes will return to twelve per pack.
36. All socks yellow from this point on.
37. The admins of St Feuddrews, St Fessdrews, St Memedrews, and St Andrews Crushes 4.0 will be asked to give one vegetable to a stranger every day, or else I will publicly denounce their name(s).
38. Facebook stories will be banned.
39. I will put some funky hats outside the sabbs’ office. It will be like a street book exchange, but indoors and with hats.
40. I will challenge Ryan Hay for the Guinness World Record for most random positions of responsibility held simultaneously.
41. Resident cats at every hall of residence.
42. Yik Yak will return to its pre-handle state.
43. I will remove myself from this town upon request.
44. Someone will make a pie chart, detailing exactly where my £9250 goes.
45.Average module grades will be made available upon request from all schools within the university.
46. Someone will explain the significance of the Deans’ List.
47. The design of TGAP (Training in Good Academic Practice) certificates will be improved. We put so much effort into completing that course, only to be rewarded with a certificate designed by someone with better things to do. Quite frankly, it looks terrible, and I do not feel motivated to keep it pinned to my bedroom wall for much longer than two more years.
48. I will send a heartfelt open letter to Lewis Wood, asking him to become Vice Chancellor.
49. All new matriculation cards will be stamped with a fun fact.
50. We will be informed about what exactly people with titles like “Proctor” and “Rector” etc. do on an average Thursday.
51. We will host a debate about Vice-Chancellor salaries, and conclude that Sally’s sallyary is fine because the other Vice-Chancellors’ salaries are a bit higher.
52. Compensation for cancelled lectures. I don’t care if “it’s in the terms and conditions”, that was mean. Note that this does not pertain to my position on the strikes.
53. If you have a lecturer or tutor who is clearly underpaid for the amount of effort and passion they so visibly exude, let me know and I will send them an M&S gift card. When I run out, I will instead send them an appreciative letter, written with a green calligraphy pen.
54. A new type of degree programme, available only to a handful of students each year, involving no lectures and no obligation to attend tutorials. There will therefore be no tuition fees. Those enrolled in this programme will have full student privileges in terms of accessing libraries and the union, and so will have to pay a maintenance fee of less than £1,500 per year. They will also have to pay that £50 certificate fee, and a small exam fee. To be accepted onto this programme, a student will have to demonstrate an exceptional ability to learn independently, as evidence that the standard degree programme will be of no benefit to them.
55. With the exception of the students on the new programme mentioned above, no one will have to pay the £50 certificate/admin fee that, until reading this, all fourth years had completely forgotten they paid before matriculating.
Societies and Activities
56. I will support the union/university/whoever in continuing to not be a part of the NUS.
57. Music is Love will no longer be a subcommittee of the union. They run some cool events, but I don’t get why they are a subcommittee. If you know, please tell me, and I will reconsider my position on this matter.
58. STAR will receive an increased budget. Those computers are causing everyone hell. We will update and redistribute the STAR app, and purchase an audio interface for external groups to record interviews, radio plays, etc.
59. Greater recognition for volunteers. The new hour-logging portal will be a good start, if it ever enters common usage, but more tangible recognition is deserved. My first action will be to increase the food budget for Ents Crew.
60. I don’t know much about Student Council meetings, but I haven’t heard good things. I will therefore provide free biscuits at the meetings to improve the overall mood, and give a significant number of cookies to the first student who says something meaningful during a meeting.
61. PhySoc’s Insight project will receive a £100 grant for being a genuinely good idea. Note that I am not involved with the project.
62. Fashion shows will be permitted on a first come, first allowed to run a fashion show
63. Lindsay Lockdown will be subsidised.
64. The weekly email from the sabbs will include tips on how to make local cats approach you, my favourite tag group of the week, and a fun fact.
65. Toastie Bar is doing just fine. I will change nothing about Toastie Bar.
66. I will create a new subcommittee called Vegan is Love.
67. You will only be able to contact me via email, and via writing on the window of the sabbs’ office. You can buy these liquid chalk pens that are great for writing on windows because they are easy to rub off. I will buy one of these pens for you to communicate with me. Once it runs out, I will quit and descend into solitude.
68. Students will be encouraged to forward emails to their friends.
69. I will ask The Saint to be honest about how they feel sharing an office with STAR.
70. Following anonymous feedback, there will be less visibility at bops. This is something I could do anyway, but I’ll include it here to make this list look longer.
71.More variety of music at bops. I’m thinking a strong move away from semirecognisable chart stuff and towards house, maybe with a bit of indie electro-pop mixed in.
72. Jerome will be allowed to do a DnB set at least once.
73. If there’s enough interest, maybe a couple of indie bands during Freshers’/ Refreshers’ Week instead of the usual loud alcohol dancing music. Scott from Clue Records sends me really friendly emails so I’m sure he’d give us a good price.
74.Do we really need to call it a “bop” every week? We’ll have a weekly open poll to decide the name and theme of our Friday night, and I won’t veto anything.
75. Some cheaper drinks. Damn. A bottle of water shouldn't cost more than a pound. We should also change the material of water bottles so they’re more in tune with the environment.
76. Black vodka will make a big return to union bars. It is a disgrace that this iconic beverage was ever removed.
77. The Arkaos machine will be upgraded.
78. Compulsory overuse of smoke machines.
79. Bunnies will be reintroduced to the area surrounding the tennis courts and museum.
80. Tailend will be asked to instate an order number system.
81. Tailend, Cromars, Empire, etc. to offer the option of vegan chips.
82. Dervish chips to go back to £2 thank you.
83. Barrie Seath will be asked to fill the position of official university photographer.
84. Lightbox will be offered a cloning device. With a few like-minded photographers, they will be able to edit 6,000 photos in just four hours. I know it’s a lot of work, but do students not deserve near-instant gratification just this once?
85. There are a couple of potholes I would like to personally fill in. Nicola’s car was damaged by one, and it really got me thinking about how much of a conspiracy they are.
86. We will hold a referendum on whether or not the arch on South Street should only allow traffic in one direction. I have no opinion on this matter, but I feel like no one knows what everyone else wants, so we’ll have a big vote to find out.
87. G1 will be forced to sell at least a couple of their venues. I don’t appreciate the falseness of this independent business vibe.
88. Drouthy will make a comeback. I’m not sure how I’ll do this, and I never actually went there, but my pal assures me it was good.
89. The volume of wind will be reduced by an average of five decibels.
90. I will approach the mayor of Longyearbyen, Svalbard, about making our humble towns twins.
91. Free willow weaving lessons.
92. More options for fussy eaters from the 24-hour bakery.
93. A statue of every well-known cat around town, primarily Panda and Tripod.
94. I will ask Saclà Italia why we need both vegetarian and vegan pesto when they taste and cost exactly the same.
95. Seat belts on motorbikes.
96. We will start a new scheme where locals are asked to strongly consider adopting a dog. This will both reduce the number of dogs without a home, and increase the number of dogs around town, which will improve the overall quality of life for everyone.
97. I will make sure the union explicitly announces support of the serial comma.
98. We will have a vote on the best method to decide whether Dervish or Empire is better.
99. To discuss these policies, hmu on snapchat @ombtom
100. Moodle Corp. will be hit with a 12% increase in taxes. MMS Ltd., 45%.
101. All students will be required to participate in one economics or psychology experiment each month, but the union receives the £10 Amazon gift vouchers and you get nothing.
102. Bake sales will happen outside the union and library every day from 3-4pm, and outside the Vic and Physics building every day from 1-2am.
103. We will take some of the lecturers’ pension money, but will then use the money from the bake sales to reimburse them because we’ll feel bad.
104. Nick Grimshaw will be asked to send us a refund.
105. Election campaign reimbursements will be reduced from £30 to 30p, in an effort to encourage creativity, instead of the usual stickers and profile picture frames.
106.Charity Fashion Show where we are the charity.
107.We will sell snow from this snowstorm to Norway.